I Am Not Ashamed

During the glorious month of December, court is closed for two weeks. For us district court assistant district attorneys, that means our work load is dramatically decreased to almost zero. Thus, I had a lot of vacation time, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Of course, there is a catch. First appearances still must occur, even if the courthouse is closed. When that happens, we conduct them at the jail.

My colleagues took the first week of first appearances, so, in all fairness, I took the second week, which included first appearances for Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. These first appearances occur in the jail, as the bailiffs have these days off. The total ambiance for the hearings is a bit more informal, as the clerk and the judge are wearing jeans and a casual shirt. It also doesn't help that telephone calls are coming in, and, during Christmas Eve, a fight (over a chess game) broke out. The day after Christmas, however, was a bit more informal than most.

I got to the jail at the same time as the clerk, and we go inside together. As we walk through the second locked door, I immediately hear screaming and yelling. There is a holding cell not but ten feet from where we will conduct the hearings. Apparently, an inmate was acting a fool prior to our arrival, and he was placed in this holding cell. The usual string of f-bombs were dropped, but at one point, he became really amusing.

Inmate: [yelling] I STAND NAKED BEFORE GOD, AND I AM NOT ASHAMED.
Inmate: [yelling] I AM NAKED AND NOT ASHAMED.

At this point I glance up from my files, and I see the inmate (from the waist up you dirty minded reader) and he has taken his (not-surprisingly) red jumpsuit off (red equals crazy). There are about three jail officers there trying to subdue him. I don't pay much more visual attention to the inmate, although I couldn't ignore his shouting. He continued with this mantra, stating over and over again that he was not ashamed. Then, his shouts changed.

Inmate: [yelling] WHY DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT MY DICK?

I didn't think he was talking to me at this point, so I just barely smiled and continued putting court dates on the files.

Inmate: [yelling] WHY DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT MY DICK? I AM NOT ASHAMED. WHY DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT MY DICK.

After he asked this question, one of the officers told me that he was speaking to me. I just smiled, and, much to my surprise, did not respond to the inmate's query. The inmate continued repeating his question, and then an officer told him that he was speaking to a D.A.

Inmate: [yelling] I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF THAT IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I WANNA KNOW WHY YOU DIDN'T LOOK AT MY DICK. I AM NOT ASHAMED. I KNOW IT IS ONLY 6 INCHES NOW; BUT IT GROWS TO 8 INCHES WHEN ITS HARD. I KNOW ITS SMALL, BUT I AM NOT ASHAMED.

He kept going until the judge showed up and told him he'd be held in contempt if he continued with his behavior. The inmate did quiet down considerably, although at some point he mimicked the Woody-Woodpecker call, which we all found amusing.

As an aside, the inmate was charged with two counts of Taking Indecent Liberties with a Child. He was accused of kidnapping two children from the local Y and then doing inappropriate things with them. Not just a pederass, but a crazy pederass.